Lay Me Down
by sour gummies
Summary: All children have unpleasant dreams from time to time, but not all children have seen and done the things the Powers have. —Four-shot, Power Pack.
1. Alex

In Alex's dreams, he loses them. And it's all his fault.

—

_"I'm sorry!" he screams, kneeling on his hands and knees before them. "I'm sorry! I didn't __**know**__ this would happen! I just wanted to do the right thing—I thought I was doing the right thing...!"_

_"Look at what you did!" Julie cries, standing in the rubble of the local gang turf, the burned-out crack den, the suffocating tunnels beneath Snark World. "You didn't stop when we said! You didn't listen to us, Alex! Look what you made us do!"_

_"Some leader you are!" Jack screams. The girls' hysterical sobbing fills the air as Kymellian soldiers swarm the four, dragging them off in different directions to punish them for technology they didn't deserve. But Jack's hate-filled are locked only on his brother, screaming, "You got us into this! Your stupid plan didn't work, like it never does! You think you're so smart, but all you ever do is mess up, Alex! You can't do anything right!"_

_"I don't want to!" Katie wails, hyperventilating. She's standing over the decimated bodies; Maraud's, Kurse's, Carmody's, anyone's that Alex forced her to destroy in his temper. There's blood on his sister's hands, utter anguish and despair written on her face. "No, no, NOOOOO! __I don't wanna hurt anyone, Alex, no more! _I'm a monster now, just like the Snarks—I **told** you to stop yelling at me!"

_"I'm so sorry, baby," Alex tries to tell her, heart breaking, but his words are lost among his siblings' accusations. __They shout and yell so loudly he can't make out the words anymore, only their hatred, and they force his eyes to stay locked on them through the sheer force of their misery and suffering. _Alex tries to look away, tries to avoid seeing the damage and destruction he's wrought against his brothers and sisters, but they don't allow him. It's the price he pays, for the suffering and cruelty and stupidity he's inflicted.

_After all, he's still their brother, isn't he? What good is a big brother, one who doesn't even watch his younger siblings like he's supposed to? Like his parents asked?  
_

_And then, horribly, they are there with him._

_"Dad," Alex gasps, and it's not his siblings yelling anymore. Instead, his parents are in front of him, glaring down at their eldest son in terrible disapproval. "Mom, Dad, please. I didn't mean to—"_

_"Stop lying to us, Alex!" Jim Power interrupts, shoving his son's hand away when Alex stumbles to his feet and tries to reach for him. "We taught you better than this! You've been fighting, haven't you? Dragging your little brother and sisters into trouble, causing destruction like those damn mutants—like a murderer!"_

_"No! You don't understand!" Alex pleads, terror choking him; the thought of even his parents disavowing him for his actions is too much to bear. "I had to do it, Dad! He would have killed you both if I didn't stop him! He'd have killed all of us__! _I was trying to **protect** us!"

_"No, no...not superheroes," his mother moans, weeping brokenly into her husband's shoulder. Her voice is broken, demented, and she now refuses to look at Alex at all. "Not heroes, not mutants, not my children. Oh my babies, running off and fighting, not needing their mother anymore...what can we do for children like that? Send them to the Xavier Institute? Send them to the Richards?"_

_"Mom, it's us!" Alex cries, desperate. "It's me, Alex, Julie and Jack and Katie—we're your kids, remember? You love us!"_

_"No, we don't!" Jim roars, shoving Alex away from Margaret and through the doorway to the street. "__No son of mine is a killer, Alex! _You murdered Carmody, lied to us, you disobeyed me! No son I raised is going to be a mutant or a superhero! So get out! You're _not__ my son...you don't live in this house anymore!"_

_He slams the front door in Alex's face, leaving him abandoned and alone, standing in the street in the pouring rain. Alex lets out a scream of terror and yanks on the doorknob in vain until it breaks, then he pounds ceaselessly against the door with his fists in the hopes that they'll hear him and answer._

_"Dad!" Alex screams, "Dad, please! I didn't mean to, I swear, please let me back in! I'll do anything! I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to hurt anyone—I thought we were **supposed** to use our powers, like Whitey said__! __PLEASE!__"_

_Of course they don't answer. Why would they? He's a liar! Alex drove them away with his meanness, destroyed them, killed their happiness and well-being until they killed his right back. His own family doesn't want him anymore. He got what was coming to him, didn't he? He got what all disobedient sons, and fallen heroes, rightfully deserve..._

_...Aloneness.  
_

_—_

Alex wakes up with tears in his eyes in the darkness of the Baxter Building.

Reality pours through the fears from his nightmares, and he recalls once for the umpteenth time that he's an adult now, not the leader of Power Pack. He's no longer fighting crime with his younger siblings, or with the New Warriors, or really anyone, at least not without the Fantastic Four there to supervise. He hasn't killed anyone in his life, and his younger brother and sisters forgave him for everything he did years ago. Alex's parents are both sane and perfectly well back home. They love him, love all their children, unconditionally. They always have.

Still Alex lies there for a long time, in the predawn hours after his nightmares, eyes open but focused on nothing at all. He can't stop his tears from falling when he's alone and shaken up like this, feeling exactly like the rage-filled, depressed little boy he'd been seven years ago. His mind reaches out, unbidden, into the past.

In these moments, he wonders if he would leave behind the Kymellians and the heroics; forget all the anguish, the strain that nearly tore his family apart_—_nearly allowed _him_ to tear his family apart. He wonders if he could give up his powers, if it meant not being haunted by memories of his old mistakes. He remembers how it could have all gone so wrong so easily, so many times. He knows he could have gotten any of them killed. He thinks about how lucky he was, to ever make it to nineteen with his family intact.

Then Alex thinks about the kids in the Future Foundation. About Whitey and Kofi, and Friday, and the X-Men. He thinks about Franklin and Valeria, all the people that Power Pack helped so long ago, but also the victims they had to watch suffer and die. Alex cannot honestly say for certain, in those late-night moments of weakness, whether or not he would change it all in a heartbeat if he could. If he'd be a hero all over again, or a normal teenager going to college like anybody else.

The weight of the doubt is crushing. But it's his, and he can't escape it.

Maybe someday, Alex will learn to lift it off his shoulders and float it away, just like everything else in the world that drags him down.


	2. Julie

In Julie's dreams, they all reject her, again and again.

—

_"Mom? Would you still love me if I was..." Julie trails off, struggling to voice the question that's been burning her up inside since Whitey came. "...different? Say, if I sprouted horns from the top of my head, or my skin turned blue, or...or if I could fly?"_

_Julie and her mother are curled up against one another at the beach, with Julie trying to hide herself in Margaret's side like a baby chick nestled safely in its mother's feathers. At these words, though, Margaret Power goes still, pulling away slightly to look at her daughter's face._

_"If you could fly?" Margaret's expression is puzzled for a moment, but then she relaxes and smiles. "Why, what a strange question, Julie!"_

_Julie's heart lifts for a moment, feeling hopeful. Then she realizes her mother's smile is a broken thing, incomplete—like a book whose pages have been ripped out, or a butterfly born without wings._

_"Don't be silly, darling," Margaret tells her soothingly, standing up with a shake of the head, leaving Julie below in the sand. "You're only a little girl, __**my**__ little girl. You don't fly like a bird or a bat! That's something straight out of New York, or a science-fiction book..."_

_Julie's stomach plummets. "But, what if I did?" she presses, hoping that she is not actually hearing what she's feared in her heart all along. "What if I did fly? What if I had superpowers? What if—"_

_"Julie, stop being ridiculous!" _

_It's no longer Julie's mother speaking, but her brother Alex. He's older now, already a teenager, and he stands in that insufferable way of his with both hands placed on his hips to tell the others they're acting stupid and immature. As though being thirteen automatically made him right._

_"You'll understand someday, guys," Alex continues toward the others, in a tone that's long-suffering and condescending. "I'm doing this for your own good. You're all way too young to be involved in real superhero stuff, like I'm facing with the New Warriors! That's why I took your all powers to use for myself."_

_Righteous anger flares in Julie, masking the terror she feels at the loss of her Kymellian power. If she can't be Lightspeed anymore, if she can't fly, then who is she? Does she even know? _

_"You can't do this, Alex!" Julie shouts at him. "Those powers belong to all of us, not just you! Give it __**back!**__"_

_Katie and Jack chorus an agreement behind her, enraged that their eldest brother could have done such a thing to betray them. They're his family—he's supposed to side with _them_ over a bunch of stupid teenagers, not the New Warriors!_

_But Alex only shakes his head._

_"I'm sorry that you can't see it my way yet. Especially you, Julie," he says coldly. He walks to the door of their apartment with a backward glance in her direction. "But I guess I should have known better. You may be book-smart, but you're still just a dumb kid like the rest of 'em. I've got real friends now. The New Warriors need me more than you guys."_

_"Wait, Alex!" Julie cries, but he's gone. And her velocity power is gone with him—her older brother has taken the only thing that ever made Julie special, gave her an identity beyond being a shy, awkward girl with her nose always stuck in a book._

_Lost, she turns to Jack and Katie. She's surprised to see their rage at Alex mirrored at her._

_"He took our powers, Julie!" Katie says furiously. "You always let Alex do whatever he wants, just 'cause he's bigger and meaner than us! I bet you WANTED him to take our powers away!" _

_"Yeah, I'll say!" Jack snarls. "How come you always have to be such a freaking scaredy-cat, Julie? If you wanna be a boring nerd for the rest of your life, go read one of your lame books! Not like we can do anything else now, without our powers!"_

_Julie feels the words like a physical slap. "I didn't...how could I have known?" she stammers in her own defense, distraught at their unkindness. "He got mine, too, same as you guys! I couldn't do anything!"_

_"So what?" Jack and Katie shout together, "you didn't __**stop**__ him! You suck, Julie! Just leave us alone!"_

_They storm off, shoving and screaming at each another all the way down the hall to their respective bedrooms. Julie is left standing in tears in the Powers' living room, wondering what she could have possibly done to keep the rest of her siblings from tearing each other apart. More than anything else that comes with being a superhero, Julie hates the fighting and anger it brings to the people close to her. _

_She's so tired of this. Julie loves her family, she really does, but she doesn't know if she can stand to be in Power Pack anymore. She wants something else for herself!_

_"I didn't even do anything," she sobs again, burying her face in her hands._

_"Oh, right—only jumped off a tall building in broad daylight, in the middle of freaking Los Angeles!" _

_It's Phil Urich yelling at her this time, in the meeting room at the hospital where Excelsior began. Julie's older, now, living on her own by the West Coast. And her sponsor is absolutely livid._

_"Have you forgotten what we're all about, Julie?" Phil demands, gesturing toward the others in the circle. "This is a support group for __**ex**__-superheroes! 'Ex!' You're going against everything Excelsior stands for!"_

_"I—I can't help it!" Julie protests weakly, stunned at his anger and rejection. "I'm Lightspeed! These powers are a part of me! I tried, Phil, I really did, but I can't just stop using them forever!"_

_Unable to help herself, she cries harder. Snide laughter drifts her way from across the room and Julie realizes through her tears that the others are _laughing_ at this, laughing at the revelation of her feelings. They think she's faking it. They think she's still being an actress._

_That's not all that I am! Julie wants to shout at them, but instead, she just lets out a muffled sob and runs to the door._

_And then someone else is chasing her._

_"Just one kiss," the director says. His voice oozes with sleaze and he catches Julie securely by the wrist, trapped in his dirty trailer because she __**thought**__ he wanted her to be an extra for his movie. It turns out he had other intentions. _

_"Come on, don't be stuck-up about it," the director says. "You knew exactly what you were getting into with that whole starstruck 'innocent' act of yours, didn't you? You said you wanted to be an actress."_

_"What? No!" Julie says frantically, trying with all her might to pull away. "All I want is to act! I'm not letting you perv on me just to get a job!"_

_"That's why you'll never get hired, baby," the director says, leering at Julie in a way that makes her feel sick._

_She's had enough. "Let go of me!" she finally screams, blasting the director into submission with her velocity power. _

_The burst of light sends him flying back, all the way out of the trailer. But when Julie stomps outside after him so she can leave the stupid movie lot, the boy who stands up on the pavement is someone entirely different._

_It's the Powers' new neighbor, Randy, from their old house in Washington. He's the creep who made a move on Julie her very first day at her new high school. Julie suddenly remembers he has her cornered at one of his stupid house parties, surrounded by a group of his guy and girl friends. All of them whoop and laugh at her's fear as the taller boy closes in. _

_"I really like you, Jules," Randy says, reaching clumsily to hold her face. He smells foul, like a liquor store. "Come on, just kiss me..."_

_Julie doesn't want to, and she knows she's got to get out of here right now, even if her revulsion makes her strange. "I said, back off!" she yells at him, shoving the taller boy's hands away._

_Suddenly, a new voice cuts in—one that immediately drives all thoughts of Randy from Julie's mind._

_"Who are you kidding? Julie doesn't play for your team," the voice says, loudly. "Or, maybe she does. Who even knows with her?"_

_Startled, Julie whips around to see her Avengers Academy classmates standing there among the partygoers. Hazmat is front and center among them, sneering at Julie behind the helmet of her radiation suit._

_"Which is it, Rainbow Girl?" Hazmat asks mockingly. "Whose side do you actually bat for? Or do you not even know?"_

_"That's—that is __**none**__ of your—!" Julie starts defensively, but another voice stops her cold._

_"Julie...is it true?"_

_Julie freezes, words caught in her throat. Before her stands Karolina Dean, wearing a look of such terrible sadness and pain that it shatters Julie's heart._

_"Do you really like guys?" Karolina asks, sounding hurt. "Julie, I thought...I thought I might finally be ready to move on again, that we could really be something, but...I need to know first that you'll love me for who I am."_

_"Of course I love you!" Julie cries. "Karolina, I love you no matter what you are! You and Xavin were—I thought you of all people might understand...!"_

_"I do understand," Karolina says, wiping her face and not looking her in the eyes. "I understand that you're confused, Julie. For what it's worth, I always..."_

_"No!" Julie cries, anguished, running forward and embracing her. "Stop this! I want us to work, Kar! I want that more than anything!"_

_"Then prove it!"_

_Without warning, another body is shoved in Julie's direction, so roughly that the two of them collide. When Julie yelps aloud and stumbles back, she sees that it's Striker there with her. He looks every bit as lost and bewildered as she feels right now._

_"Kiss him," Hazmat says sharply. "Go on, figure it out! How are the rest of us supposed to know if you don't?"_

_Julie glances frantically around the group, hoping that someone among them will be willing to hear sense. But all she sees on their faces is indifference; or worse, hunger. Sick curiosity. They chorus an agreement with Hazmat, individual words lost among the overwhelming tide of group thought._

_She and Striker are left to stare at one another uncomfortably in the middle. Behind them, Karolina sobs and turns away._

_"I don't—I don't really know how I feel about this," Brandon confesses, giving Julie a torn look, like he's waiting for some affirmation of his actions. "But if it's what everyone else wants, then we may as well try it, right? Maybe it'll fix whatever's wrong with me, and make you...you know, __**normal.**__ One side over the other."_

_His words leave Julie horrified. All at once, clarity comes rushing back, and with it, outright fury._

_"No, Brandon," she tells him forcefully, shoving him backward with a hand. "It won't fix anything! A kiss, sex, doing stuff that's physical only because other people want you to...it doesn't change how you feel on the inside! I _don't_ want this, and neither do you. Now get away from me!"_

_All at once, the others are clamoring their dissatisfaction with her answer, saying:_

_"What do you want, Julie?"_

_"Julie, what's the matter?"_

_"How can you just decide something like that!"_

_"Stop getting so worked up about this!"_

_"It's just a stupid kiss!"_

_She's crying again, collapsing to her knees with her arms wrapped around herself. She wants to run away, but they're closing around her in a circle to cut her off, and she suddenly can't stand the thought of flying while they watch._

_"I just want to be myself!" she chokes out through her tears, the words punctuated with wrenching sobs. "I only ever—I only want—god, isn't it hard __**enough**__ being like this, without other people trying twist me around into whatever shape they want? Because it makes __**them**__ happy, and not me? Isn't it enough that I try to be good to everyone! Tell me—isn't that enough?!"_

_Of course it isn't. The pointed silence confirms all Julie needs to know, and the sounds of footsteps behind her confirm that the one person whose opinion of Julie really matters is walking away. She looks up through tear-filled eyes to see the retreating, luminescent blur of Karolina leaving. Not running away, not flying—just walking. Slowly enough to make the rejection hurt._

_"Wait!" Julie cries, trying to get close but unable to move quickly without her powers. "Karolina, stop! Please wait!"_

_It doesn't matter. Julie can't have what she wants, not ever, so long as she refuses to change her heart's shape to fit the mold of others' expectations._

_Until she gives in, this is all she is ever going to get from them..._

_...Disappointment._

—

Julie wakes up: alone in her bed, or sprawled on the couch with Karolina's head resting in her lap. Anguished, crushing bewilderment lingers on from Julie's nightmares, but then reality seeps in, and she slowly remembers the details of who and where she is.

Calmness returns. In these late-night moments of emotional crisis, Julie must firmly repeat to herself for as long as it takes: _I like myself. I like myself. I __**like**__ myself._

She has certainly come a long way from the age of ten, knows a lot more now than she did even at seventeen. Julie thinks to herself that, though her nightmares may pretend otherwise, one look at the warm body sprawled beside her or the pictures on the wall is enough to confirm that she is _not_ unwanted. Not rejected. She has friends now, people she cares about and who feel the same for her. She has a girlfriend, a family that accepts and loves Julie for who she is no matter how far away she flies, and where she lands. Julie Power knows exactly who she is: Lightspeed, a hero, a student, and aspiring actress. She's a devoted daughter and a supportive friend. She's a hard worker. An enthusiastic reader. A girl who is interested in other girls, and sometimes in other things, besides.

Julie avows to herself privately after the nightmares that she is perfectly happy with who she is. _I like myself_, she thinks resolutely in the silence of the morning, wiping the last of her stubborn tears away. _I like myself._ _I know I'm not perfect yet, but I'm still allowed to like who I've become._

And very soon, she knows—when the moon fades, and the sun rises again on the happiness she has found here on the West Coast—the new day will dispel any lingering self-doubt in Julie's mind. She will love herself, exactly the way she is.

And, in time, others will love her, too.


End file.
